Why I don't give advice. And what I do instead that's better.

Therapy for decision paralysis - how I can help when things are hazy.

When things get on top of you, do you ever just wish someone else would take over? Not just anyone, but someone who knows what’s best for you and has your best interests at heart?

Some people take advice from self-appointed online gurus, or well-meaning – but completely biased – family members or friends. But here’s the thing. They aren’t living your life. They don’t have to live with the consequences of your decisions. And neither does your therapist.

So that’s reason number one of why I don’t give advice to my clients. But there’s more.

I am a humanistic psychotherapist. My philosophy is built upon a trust that people, given the right space and support to facilitate their thought processes (sometimes with the help of a therapist), will come to the best decisions themselves. Sometimes, I trust my clients more than they trust themselves.

When you’re struggling to know what the ‘best decision’ would be, that’s probably because there is no such thing. Courses of action have both pros and cons, for you and those around you. It’s a good thing that you are aware that life isn’t full of ‘right or wrong’ decisions, and that all courses of action have risks attached. I understand that this responsibility can weigh heavily on people – and therapy can help greatly with this decision paralysis. But if we take this responsibility off you, we are essentially making you even less comfortable with it, and even more reliant on someone else to intervene. That’s neither helpful nor ethical.

To recap: my reasons for not giving you advice are:

1)       I don’t have to live with the consequences of your decisions. You do.

2)       I trust that you will be best placed to make a good decision, once you’ve been able to take all the information into account while feeling calm.

3)       Removing decision anxiety is not about removing decisions. It’s about supporting you to become more comfortable with them.

So here’s what I do instead of giving advice:

I acknowledge the pain of feeling stuck. The impossibility of your situation feels unbearable. This might include anxiety about doing the wrong thing. You can’t keep everyone happy and meet all of your own needs. There is an uncomfortable compromise that needs to be made and you wish it weren’t the case. I hear you.

I help you regulate your mood. Feeling overwhelmed by your emotions can make you avoid thinking about difficult decisions. But the feeling of dread doesn’t quite go away, because part of you knows that this still needs sorting. Sometimes you might find yourself thinking in loops, going around and around with no decision in sight. My emotional support helps you get past the ‘avoid or panic’ stage.

Work to understand how you got here. Now we can look at what meanings you have attached to the situation and why. It might be that previous bad experiences or relationships are hampering your ability to see this situation for what it is. You may have developed a false belief, for example that you should be able to be perfect all of the time. Understanding why you find decisions so hard can often help you be kinder to yourself. Less pressure leads to better logical thinking.

I take time with you to examine the situation. As a relational therapist, I’m happy to raise my thoughts for you to consider. But rather than this being advice, it’s an option for you to dismiss if you want to, and I won’t be upset if you do! It’ll just help us work out exactly how you see things. When we know what you want to rule out, we get a clearer idea of what options you are left with.

I apply psychological theory to the situation. Together we can look at your relational and behavioural patterns. What power dynamics have played out? Sometimes understanding these gives you more choice, bringing you off ‘autopilot’ and into the driving seat.

How to proceed with your decision? I’m happy to help you look at possible pros and cons of your options. We can also explore what you need to put in place to feel comfortable with getting it done.

My aim, at the end of our work together, is for you to be better equipped to make your own decisions, without it feeling overwhelming or like a trap. If I just gave you advice, this might ease your discomfort in the short term, but it would set you up to become reliant on me and even less likely to trust yourself, trapping you more. I’m about setting you free.

If you’d like to work with me and benefit from this approach, you can book a free discovery call here.